Is this how it feels to have friends? | Blogging Challenge 2025

We just wrapped up the last leg of Pixel Academy today.

I should feel nothing but happy. And I do.. I really do. But there’s this part of me that feels… lacking. Like I held back. Like there was more I could’ve given, more of myself I could’ve poured out. Now that I’m home, sitting with the silence, I can’t shake this strange heaviness in my chest. I really did feel joy. I felt fulfillment. But at the same time… I felt like I wasn’t enough. Like I could’ve done more, been more, shown up more fully.

I felt like I was not able to give my absolute best. It’s such a weird mix.. gratitude tangled up with longing.

But, it's not something that I see negatively.

Maybe this feeling is not a bad thing. Maybe this ache is what will keep me moving, what will keep reminding me that I’m not done yet. That I can still grow into the person I want to be.

A tug. Like my heart is telling me, "you’re not there yet, but you will be.." I want to reach that point where I can go home from something like this with no “what ifs.” Just joy. Just peace.

I see what I'm feeling as fuel towards what I want to achieve. I want to be able to reach a point that I will no longer feel this way. 

I want to go home from an event feeling fulfilled and happy and like I have done all that I can. 

Nevertheless, I am grateful that I met this community. 

I found something I never thought I’d find again. People. Real ones. The kind who make me feel like I can breathe, like I can drop the act, like I don’t always have to be composed and put-together.

A community. A place where my dreams aren't just seen, but nurtured. A place where I can show up, be messy, be real, and still be accepted.

Because at this point, I see the Pixel Creator community as one of my support systems and I can't believe that I have that now. I can't believe that I truly have one. That I fully trust that I have one. I have full confidence that I can talk to them and let them in my thoughts and they will be there to listen, connect with me, and set me straight if need be.

Human ears can be as patient as pen and paper, it seems.

They were the only ones patient enough to hold everything I couldn’t say out loud. But now… maybe human ears can be just as safe. Maybe hearts can, too.

With Pixel, I can laugh too loud. I can ramble about my ideas without fear they’ll be brushed off. I can say the things I used to only tell my journals, and instead of silence, I’m met with nods, smiles, understanding.

Through the Pixel community, I was able to find like-minded people and I was able to start trusting people again. I was able to slowly open up to people and have faith that they will be on my side and that they will be willing to listen to what I have to say.

I didn’t realize how much I missed trusting people. I didn’t realize how much I missed being heard. Slowly, piece by piece, Pixel is teaching me it’s okay to open up again. That maybe not everyone will leave. That maybe when I speak, someone will actually care enough to listen.

That maybe, just maybe, people can be safe too.

I am grateful that my potential was recognized and that I was able to do something about it.

Is this how it feels to have friends?

To have a community you can lean on? To know.. really know and believe.. that there are people rooting for you, watching you, waiting to cheer when you finally make it?

Is this what it feels like to have friends?

To really have them? Friends who don’t just make you comfortable, but also push you to grow? Because that’s what they do. Pixel isn’t just a comfort zone... it’s a mirror and a challenge. They make me want to be better. Not just for myself, but because I know they’re watching, rooting for me, waiting to celebrate with me when I finally get there.

They give me a sense of responsibility that I need to make sure to keep on working on myself and my craft because there are people who are rooting for me and watching me, waiting to cheer for me when I finally achieve my dreams.

I think "grateful" is an understatement at this point. I think I can no longer describe what or how I feel about this community. 

I feel safe. I feel seen. I feel acknowledged. 

I feel that I can be myself with them and I can be unfiltered. 

I do not feel the need to be so composed all the time. 

I feel free to be simply Nessa.

Pixel Babies, thank you. For holding space for me. For reminding me what it’s like to trust. Thank you for seeing me. For letting me in. For reminding me I’m not as alone as I thought.

From the bottom of my (used-to) stone cold heart, thank you, Pixel, and love y'all to the moon and back.. love y'all more than these words can hold.